Once Upon A Time

I’ve been busy with OIC & VBS, both great things to fill my time.

Both are going to be glorifying God.

I have had some ups and downs, which is weird because I feel like I’ve been far away from Davis, from the bubble that was so encouraging and nourishing as I grew for 4 years.  It’s like the bubble has burst, and I feel like a new world, a new me.

I think this is the dry period, where I get to be dried up and then set aflame.  I am excited for the part when I’m going to be on fire for God, and I am excited that I am becoming so thirsty for the word.  I can tell it’s my own desires and not a desire to please anyone else.  It’s going to be an interesting chapter, one of difficulties and hardships, but also filled with blessings and joy.

For now, Davis was the once upon a time, and Tomorrow is hopefully a step into the Happily Ever After

Off 2 Skool

I was skipping to class (this is not a joke-if you know me, you would believe it) and I realized that the song that kids sing, and that I sing, and that basically comes from Adam Sandler… I couldn’t believe I had that stuck in my head… but then I thought about it, and it says “to prove to dad I’m not a fool”… how foolish because I AM A FOOL!

I am thinking about after college, what the prospects are out there in the “real world” outside of this “davis bubble”

Well, I graduate on June 13th at 9AM… then I am debating on going on a missions trip to Arizona.  If I decide to go, I’d have to no joke go the day after I graduate.  So I am really thinking about this, because the first week as a free person, done with “higher education” I could exit the “Davis bubble” as a missionary out into the world.  Also, I haven’t gone on any sort of missions yet, so this would be really incredible.

Dang, school is beating my butt, and I just want to know what the future holds.  I guess I have to just be patient? sigh… one thing I am not always good at…  It’s time to get zen, and do some inter-tori thinking.

ARE YOU THERE GOD?

I was listening to Shrek the Musical’s soundtrack, and there is one part where she goes “Are you there God, it’s me Fiona…”  It reminded me of this book that i was supposed to read and never did “Are you there God it’s me Margret?”  And now I know that although I would love to throw my hands in the air and say “Are you there God, it’s me Tori!?” I know that he is here, he has been here, and although my day could have been worse, it wasn’t because he still loves me.  I picture God watching me and feeling sad that I am frustrated; knowing that I have so much stress building up, and he is just saying back, “Are you there Tori, it’s me your FATHER!?” or “Do you hear/feel me? I’m right here my beloved.”

Although I had one of the most stressful days of my life, I know that there have been lots of blessings.

To vent for a moment, I locked myself out of my car with only my water bottle and a pair of socks in my hand for my internship.  Then at my internship, one of the kids I caregive for just cried all day, and kept screaming in my ear because she was just also having a rough day.  So now my arms were tired and I was just having a blast trying to keep her as calm and happy as I could while my other child thought that she was the cause of her friend crying and kept apologizing and  trying to make her friend feel better while looking like she is also super sad/on the brink of crying sometimes.  Then the day got better, but definitely slept through class because I am so tired.  And I know that I am going to be on campus till 11pm… which is not great because I have like a pile of homework due tomorrow…

But God, you are here.  I know you are here.  Let me feel your embrace as the world tries to engulf me in my sorrow.  I cant wait to see the fruits of my labor, and see how glorifying it is for Him.  He did a lot of things around me, that helped me so that my life would be easier later, and I know that he is always working in the background of my life.  Oh puppet-master… I just have to remember to stay focused on your masterpiece, and just continue to do my steps as you choreograph the dance of my life.

curiouser

there is a at the corner of the page… can you spot it?

I CAN!!

Spring Break

Why is it that Spring Break seems less like a break and less like spring all of a sudden.

I was given a gift of a few hours to “REST” from my family so that I can enjoy my spring break… and I sat on the sofa and was on my computer for like  3 hours straight… -___- and now I am bored and tired and alone at my house.

Before this moment of “rest” I have been running after my nieces and playing hostess to my visiting relatives from Korea.  I cant believe that I actually feel so EXHAUSTED even though I am suppppper loving it…

I have been tremendously blessed…

1. I got all A’s this winter quarter ❤ (I always do better winter quarter… but this was the best way to end my last winter quarter in Davis)
2. I realized as I am praying for the Arizona Missions Team, that maybe I am not cut out for over seas short term missions… made me think maybe I’d like to do a long term missions sometime… I am going to pray about it… because maybe that is why all the times I have tried to do short term missions fail…
3. I want to work with KIDS… I want to wake up and know that I am going to be seeing tiny mini adults who explore the world in such creative ways… I freaking LOVE them… and I think it is something I can actually be passionate about forever! 🙂
4. I am a good friend and sister… I tell myself I am not, and I put myself down only so that I can work harder all the time.  But I had to reassure myself again that I am a good friend and sister… I have a lot of labels… and I hate being labeled as anything that I don’t think I can live up to, but I am taking in those labels, I am going to be amazing.  I am going to be perfect as God intended…
5. I have become way more “religious” then I thought I would… but I think this signifies growth and the fact that Christianity isn’t a religion but a lifestyle. I used to think it sounded weird… and it still does… haha
6. I AM READY TO GRADUATE… I am ready to stop being a student… but not ready to stop studying and I am going to miss DAVIS… sigh

I am not excited for the return to school and the return to the craziness that is in stored for me…

ASUCD BOOK EXCHANGE… MARCH 29-APRIL 2

SPRING DANCE SHOW IS COMING UP… April 9,10,16,17,18

PICNIC DAY… APRIL 17

ALREADY MY FIRST 3 WEEKS ARE GOING TO BE KILLER… AND I DUNNO IF I AM READY…

GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH…

equal affections

From a bathroom stall last year I read, “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”

So I looked up this little quote from the bathroom stall and realized it was from W.H. Auden, and it was from a poem The More Loving One.

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

For sure this sounds like a crazy person who like pines for another person’s affection, yet how can I not have realized this poem’s emotions could also be reflected to see how God just longs for us to love him back.

I hope someday to find someone who would say this to me… I would know that I have to take them seriously… because I definitely feel like all my relationships (oh not romantically… just socially) happen to be me being the one who says, “let the more loving one be me…” but when I find someone who can say that back to me… dang that is the one to catch.

But for now, it’s OK to be the one who loves more, I realize that the one relationship I don’t say that sometimes is the one with my heavenly father, which is the one I should strive to have the most love for, but I feel content being the one loved more.  However, I am so selfish that I cannot stay content in his love and I look for other people to love and to feel loved from, but for Lent especially, I’ve realized that those are the bridges that are throwing me off my path…

and yet again another quote that keeps following me, this one from John Piper: “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied IN HIM”

I want to be totally satisfied in him. period.

Desktop

On top of my desk, I have a shelf…

on the shelf I have post-its

these post-its seem to be important since I leave them there for long periods of time.

These post-its help me to guide my life…

Therefore what is guiding my life?

1. Post-it from a brother saying : For Tori =) Press on! Your #1 brother -J-
2. “There is NO FAILURE except in NO longer trying” -Elbert Hubbard
3. A Post-It that came with a batch of chicken nuggets from a small group sister on october 30th ending in “<3 christina kim” with lots of love :]
4. “I will obey the word of grace day by day so that the Lord may save me in the last day.
5. calvin and hobbes cartoon strip :] where calvin is trying to cheat but gets cheated instead…
6. 2 post-its dedicated to publicity for picnic day 2010
7. (attached to above) “saturday april 17th!”
8. 6 verses of random scripture that when I get frustrated I can look up.
9. a failed email address…

I only write these up because I just stayed up cleaning my desk, and put away cards of encouragement, and letters of love.  Some other great verses and words that I lived by, but these are the 9 that are left up, and I want to know… what is guiding me?

definitely not the only things, but note that the key things to remember in my life are not just for my desktop but for others:

1) Press on… continue that struggle

2) TRY or fail

3) little things are what matters ❤

4) OBEY

5) dont let life cheat you of anything

6&7) picnic day is coming… and that means i need to up my game and step it up.

…7) picnic day: april 17th–still always looking for volunteers!

8 ) when life seems hard… God is there, why am I not looking at those verses?

9) I don’t have to rely on email… or technology… but I do… and sometimes it doesn’t like me… but  it’s not the end of the world.

lounging

Literally, I am in King’s Lounge and I have my feet up on the table and I am seriously LOUNGING… although I should most definitely be doing work of some sorts.

I realize now that I actually really enjoy the MU Lounge.  This is quite a cozy place.  I have found many a place to lounge around on campus, from the grass that I have taken frequent naps on in the Quad to the window ledges that the sun shines through and I can bask in the warmth.  I think the lounge is probably the most fitting place to just sit and write a blog.

Some smart words I would like to put up are from David Roh: “the path for righteousness is nothing but hardship” why are those exactly the words that describe so many people… me included?

More often then not, people see the Christian walk as a whatever walk.  As if walking the path is lame and boring.  Therefore they decide that they will have faith without having actions that will support their thoughts.

**RANT:Recently I’ve become so frustrated with watching people justify their actions when they know it’s not on the path of righteousness.  I am not on the path all the time, because it IS hard, and although I try, there are some times when I have to stand back and re-evaluate.

For example: I didn’t go to early morning QT, do I think that I am doomed on my walk, why no- I am sick and so staying in bed can indeed be a better idea than trying to haul my butt over to the MU to do early morning QT when I could have my alone time with God without the MU and without getting sicker than I felt.

Now that doesn’t excuse me from doing my QT’s, nor my responsibilities.  I dont appreciate when people are trying to justify to ME, I am not a mother nor a police   who should stand to regulate.  I realize I have been put into that position lately, and I don’t know how I like it.**

Anyways, this is only because I think the Christian walk isn’t just a walk… It’s the journey to eternity.  It’s not a religion, I hear that a lot, but really it isn’t!  Dang, if it was just a religion, I would feel bad for all the believers who go out on missions, who sacrifice more than just their time and money to this religion.  I hope that they aren’t doing it for some sort of socialized practice but for their eternity, for their own self-knowledge of who God is and because they know it’s HIS will not because of religion.

dang lounging is interesting…  not gonna lie, I’m listening to Wicked, and I keep looking around the room, and for sure if I just busted out saying/singing, “lets go down to the OZDUST ballroom..” they would think I’m insane… and yet I want to do it… sigh…

THIS IS MY GOD

Dont Hate, Appreciate, don’t discriminate or hesitate–instead, make every moment GREAT!

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrendered your life upon that cross
Great is your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

secrecy gone

my rein of secret posts and secret life online is over…

thanks mina 🙂